About Newsguy - In the Beginning

NewsGuy began as the dream of George and Adolph Noose. In 1942, they launched an airmail service, connecting exotic destinations from Secaucus to East Rutherford New Jersey. Unfortunately the war had left them without fuel, oil or even an operational airport. Adolph and George, pioneers that they were, remained undaunted by these minor setbacks.

 During the first three years of operation, the plane was hangered near the future site of Giant Stadium. Each morning George would load the mail into the plane and roll it out onto Route 3 where, joined by Adolph, the duo would push the bright red Cessna down the highway and through their...well,  sort of appointed rounds. It was hard work, difficult work, yes - perhaps even foolish work, but Adolph and George Noose were living their dream. 

All along the route people would throw rocks, canned goods and sometimes plump cabbages. George, thinking they had become local celebrities, took to wearing a glitter covered Spandex jump suit,  an excessively wide belt and shaved his head....then he shaved Adolph's head, but that's another story. The persistent application of a local New Jersey dialect eventually prevailed and formed the service's name; the crowd jeers of "Doze crazy Nooze guys" was reported by a tin eared reporter as "Doze crazy News guys" and "NewsGuy" became the name of the service. Hey, could of happened.

The Rocket Years

By 1992 the effects of World War II were beginning to fade. Fuel was generally available and a significant number of vets had already returned home. While Adolph and George could now actually fly in the Cessna, the demand for airmail delivery between adjacent towns had begun to soften. They knew they needed a "hook" to draw new public attention and they felt speed could be the answer.

They strapped a rocket to George's butt and shot him into the night sky high above glamorous downtown Passaic. Unfortunately, George and/or the rocket encountered United Airlines Flight 706 at 35,000 feet, and George was pulled along until the flight terminated, rather abruptly, on the ground in a small town just outside of Montreal. Several weeks later, he was returned to the U.S. and his brother Adolph, under NAFTA guidelines, speaking French, and devoid of all import duties.

The New Deal

Adolph lapsed into a severe depression, though certainly not as bad as the whopper he went through between 1929-1939. George remembered the depression had been so bad it seemed to effect everyone around them. George attempted to raise Adolph's spirits by feigning mail deliveries, but it was getting increasingly difficult to find places to hide the Cessna for 8 hours while he was on his make belief rounds, especially since they were now living in an apartment above a downtown "Jack In The Box" family value restaurant. Then one day they heard a loud crash, a couple of screams and what sounded like tin foil rubbing over false teeth. They ran downstairs to investigate.

There, lying in the street in a tangled mess of Schwinn, newspapers and squashed Ho-Ho's was  Bob, a local newspaper boy. Each day, Bob delivered papers in the morning, collected in the afternoon, then spent the proceeds at the Jack In The Box beneath Adolph and George's apartment. In fact, it was Bob's Ho-Ho induced expansive persona that led to the Schwinn's frame fracture, and subsequent collapse to the pavement. Bob grunting, very unattractively through a mouth full of crumbling chocolate covered cake, begged assistance getting to the drive-thru window. George and Adolph, who both later testified they thought Bob wanted them to take over his route, instead ran off with Bob's leftover papers and loose change. On that day "NewsGuy News Service" was born.

Bob-O-Vision Bob eventually recovered from the fall, the Ho-Ho's and a rather nasty case of Jack in the Box induced E. coli. Realized he lost his route and customers to the Noose Brothers, Bob immediately petitioned bad ass Judge Judy and won a hefty settlement in the amount of $26.73. Unfortunately, even this chump change was a fortune to the Noose brothers, so they settled by offering Bob a career in the news biz. Today Bob, of course, writes the two time Snuffer Award winning column, "Bob-O-Vision". Bob's real name is Joe. There are two Joe's at NewsGuy. Weird, huh ? Picture a dream sequence, fade to distortion, then imagine the opening music to "Twilight Zone"... do,do,do,do...do,do,do,do...

Queenie, AKA Cindy, joined NewsGuy after first launching a letter writing assault on the service, followed by a physical assault on the guys of NewsGuy, which coincidentally was the name of an ill fated calendar. At one time, Cindy  was the Queen of Maine, presiding over the Desert of Maine, a not well known post which is currently held by the pop singer and sometime sitcom guest star, Cindy Lauper. Prerequisites for being Queen of Maine ? Must be named "Cindy" and have a natural affinity for the use of the word "wicked", as in "Stop the ca, tha-ers a wicked big moose in the road". We call her "President", or as she prefers "Your Highness", or "Your Hinny" as we prefer when she is not within earshot. 

Tech Guy It has been suggested, on numerous occasions, Rich has few outside interests. Not true. Few people realize that Rich maintains the largest collections of organic and synthetic water based adhesives in the Bay Area. This life long passion for all that sticks recently culminated in the made-for-TV romantic comedy "No, I'm really stuck you", which is probably a step up from his book, "Phalange, the word and its use in modern poetry" . In addition to his contribution to NewsGuy tech support, Rich runs  the software download section, writes "Tech Guy" and presides over an off-line NewsGuy LINUX skunk works. Rich is kept in check with the assignment of a dual processor Pentium work station, but with only 8 megabytes of RAM, 500 gigabytes of storage, but only a 300 baud modem. Hey, after that thong deal, he's lucky to be alive. 

Sports Guy Mike was once hauled away by paramedics at a dance club when the patrons jointly, and conclusively, determined he was having a spazoidal episode. Apparently Mike  thought he was expressing in dance a response to the question, "How rigid can one human be while still sustaining life". We got the picture, and Mike won the award. Turn on's: golf, music with no rhythmic beat, stocks and bonds, pro-republican issues. Turn-offs: anything without neat creases, early raucous Donnie & Marie music, the thought of never experiencing an IPO. Mike writes the Sports Guy column, manages sales and facilitates NewsGuy $1,000,000 customer giveaway. Never heard of the program ? Better write Mike. Mike will earn three figures this year; action figures Barbie, Ken and GI Joe.

Development Engineering is manned, and wommaned by Kachun and Teresa. This year they were able to upgrade from a multiprocessor, rack mounted, gang linked, warm swap, full featured model III TRS-80s - to an full integration of a  Pascaline 2000 and a Babbage Model 37 with a FPS-164/MAX. Not only can it provide almost below average computational speed, but it generates enough heat to make the facilities always toasty warm. Unfortunately, that applies to both summer and winter. We are on-line almost 24X7, or as long as Kachun and Teresa can get Bob to continually wet his fingers and hold both ends of the network cables. The technical duo will add a slightly used Colossus later in the year, as long as they can score on some backup vacuum photocells, and matching decade counters. Just wait till the annual systems budget goes over 2 grand.

Our New Facilities

We hope to move into our new facility no later than December 2012. So far we are only missing sufficient funds, backing and a clear plan for success to take us there.

In the mean time, you can always reach us at our current location next to the Shell Station, just off the I90 St. Joe exit or, if traffic is heavy, off I25 at the Hillsboro Mall. Remember, it's the Hillsboro Mall the home of Pig Lickin' Chicken where the flavor of fat just slaps your nostrils like a barnyard bonanza.

Oh yeah...me

Joe Zip My job is to hang around and say, "thank you". Thank you for being one of those special people who have hung around with us over the years, started on Zippo News Service and went on to NewsGuy. Thank you if you're one of the folks who have just recently joined us. I hope we can live up to your expectations and keep you here. Thank you if you've just spent this time reading about us, we hope you'll give us a try.

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